Author: Wikihow | Co – Author/ Expert Contributor: Tami Claytor
After the death of a loved one, attending to the niceties of etiquette might be the last thing you want to do. Nevertheless, it’s an important part of life to acknowledge others’ kindness in times of grief and hardship. Sending a short, simple thank you note is not only basic etiquette, but also a thoughtful way to convey your appreciation for those who were involved in the lives of your late loved one.
Part 1: Gathering Supplies
1. Compile a list of people to thank. A potential list could include the director and staff of the funeral home, as well as people who sent flowers, prepared a meal, or otherwise helped arrange the service. Be sure to send a note of thanks to the officiant who conducted the services. If someone expressed an especially meaningful sentiment to you at the funeral, feel free to include that person on the list, as well.
- You will want to have a notepad and pen handy to jot down each person’s name and what they contributed. It’s likely to be too much to try to remember on your own. You can delegate this task to another family member, but be sure that they get the first and last names of donors and what they gave or did for the services.
- People to include on your list are: pallbearers, officiants, musicians, those who made any kind of donation (food, memorial, or flowers), and those who helped you in a tangible way with the arrangements (contacting the funeral home or babysitting your children, for example).
- Keep in mind that you do not need to send thank you notes to every person who attended the funeral. Only those who went above and beyond in their service or assistance need thank you notes. Everyone else can simply be thanked verbally at the service.
2. Decide between cards or stationery. There are many choices in thank you card design. Choose a card that looks elegant and understated. Or, if you prefer, you can buy nice stationery and fully hand-write your notes. The design, wording, and cards/stationery are ultimately matters of personal preference.
- Generally you should avoid sending an email or ecard in place of a handwritten thank you note, as these can seem impersonal.
3. Choose blank thank you cards so you’ll have room to write. Regardless of what style of thank you note you select, look for blank cards or cards with minimal writing inside them. This way you will have space to write, and your thanks will stand out.
4. Keep it simple. Although etiquette is important, do not stress yourself out over these thank you notes. This is an instance of it being the thought that counts. Don’t worry about sending the wrong kind of card or choosing an ugly stationery. You are grieving, and these notes are simply a way for you to thank those who helped you during a tough time.
Part 2: Deciding What to Say
1. Speak from the heart. Let the person know how much it meant to you that they were there for you during your time of need and that it meant a lot to you that they contributed in some way. There are many ways to approach the wording in your thank you notes, and all of them depend on what the person did for you and your loved ones. You might simply write two sentences thanking them for thinking of you at this time of great loss in your life and letting them know that it meant a lot to you.
- If you are especially close to the person you’re thanking, feel free to include a personal anecdote or story from the deceased’s life, if you share one with whomever you’re thanking. Personalizing your thank you notes is always a nice touch, but certainly don’t feel that you must do this.
2. Be specific. In your thank you notes, reference specifically what the person or group you’re thanking contributed after your loved one passed. Whether it was a meal, flowers, or a memorial donation in their honor, specify what you’re thanking them for and let them know that their thoughtfulness meant a lot to you.
- Begin your thank you note generally and build to more specifics. For example, good starting points would say something general, such as “Thank you for your kindness during this difficult time” or “Our family appreciates your support during this difficult time.”
- Then you can build to how they helped you specifically. After thanking them for their kindness if they delivered a meal, for example, you might say something like “The meal you sent us was wonderful because it made one less thing for me to worry about. We truly appreciated it.” The key is to thank them for their specific contribution.
3. Avoid mentioning specific dollar amounts. If you’re writing a thank you note to someone who gave a monetary donation in memory of your loved one, thank them for their donation, but don’t mention how much they gave. Simply say that you are thankful for their generosity in honoring your deceased loved one.
- Good phrasing for a monetary donation might read like “Thank you for your generosity in our time of grief. The donation in honor of [deceased’s name] means a lot to us.” This way you convey your appreciation without mentioned how much they gave.
4. Don’t feel obligated to write long, detailed notes. Two or three sentences is sufficient to communicate your gratitude. The act of actually taking time to send individual thank you notes speaks volumes about how thankful you are. Don’t feel like you need to write long paragraphs to communicate your thankfulness.
- Sign the notes either with your own name or “Family of [Deceased’s Name].”
Part 3: Sending the Notes
1. Try to send them within two weeks. General etiquette rules dictate that you need to send thank you notes within two weeks of the funeral. Your friends and loved ones know you’re grieving, so if you take longer to send the notes out, don’t worry. A late thank you note is better than no thank you note at all.
2. Solicit help if you need it. If the prospect of thanking dozens of people after the death of a loved one feels overwhelming, don’t hesitate to ask those around you for help. Even if it’s sending someone to the post office to buy you stamps or envelopes, delegate tasks to close friends or family members.
3. Remember that thank you notes are not a requirement. Finally, don’t feel bad if you don’t get around to thank you notes. While they are a key component of good etiquette, during times of grief, etiquette can take a backseat to our mourning. So if you can’t emotionally get through the thank you notes, don’t beat yourself up for not finishing them.
